Adult Empire

Today went for a late Mother's Day celebration =] Nevertheless, I had a great time with them =] I was able to understand my parents more and relate to them .... I discovered that I had numerous of disagreement and objections towards their statement... I realised it was might be the gap interval between us was ultimately long =[ We were chatting about Christianity, I refused to say anything about my religion or should I say relation with God ? =]

Majority of my relatives and kins are all Buddhist ... I find difficult to understand explain... They told me to feel free to speak ! Okay so I continued and insisted a long ! Never mind, we dropped the subject after a while -.- THe longer it drags, it became seemingly complicated, I did not want a happy dinner to be a devastating one ....

Next they asked about me, generally what I am thinking about ! My head was blank for a moment, then started pondering =] Follow on, they questioned me, how do I deal with it ? The question they ask has never occurred to me ! I was wondering so much thing had happened... Without fail, everything that I spotted were not pleasant ones ! Usually are those guilt and jealousy !

Well, I had stopped being a atrocious person... Living my life blindly as I move on ! Retrospecting, I had lots of evidence to prove that I am found guilty of.... Countless ! My mum was worried so told me not to think so much ! I was frustrated but kept cool, so replied to her that some things I need to think more about it ! IT really concerns my future .... Who is going feed me ?

Okay lah, She told me to release all my grudges ! I had already set them free the yesterday =] A New beginning of me =] Some thing strange about my parents is that they dislike me being over grown ! Their opinion including my Aunt's were that live the Teenage life like normal teenagers do ! WOW ! Fantastic is not it ? Interesting background !

I know what they are trying to signal me but planning really needs to start now ! I am 14 going to 15 this year ! Nobody except God will help me ! Never anyone ! So far.... Minor , YEs ! Major , no ! Not neglecting previous year, one did =] He changed my entire life upside down =] I felt that he is the one who can show me what life brings ! Now ?! Forget it, everyone is busy ! Not comparing here, not complaining ! It jsut feel not upright !

This year, I am all a lone ! Deal with my own disasters ! Everytime it felt like a pebble been thrown at me ... MY Aunt shared with me an interesting theory =] She pointed out to the cup XD She continued, '' If we hold the cup for a few moment, It does not feel heavy at all. After 12 hours, the weight of the cup will be there ! '' She told me why not let go your inner complexity ! Just like letting go the cup =] It is tough for me ! I am quite stubborn at certain times !

Now looking at my progress ! I had succeeded a little =] Promoting from NT to NA ! Getting all my work and assignments done =] Able to write a long full written english text ! It takes time ! Today I am able to sit here typing out all this with conciousness ! A little la ! Not many ! Hahas ! Never mind ! Who gives a damn ! I am the reader and author ! Nobody else except me XD

Adults are very strange and unique personality.... Some hope their sons and daughters to be mature and think steadfastly with logical sense, some giving freedom .... My parents don't expect much of me but I have expectation of myself ! Quite high =] Fulfilling it is my duty and my goal XD I will rejoice whenever I achieve it ! Not stopping there, I persist =] Some things I did not think so much ! I am careful here ! Not everything I had persisted ! I want to change it around ! I want it to be appear in everything ! =] Nothing more nothing less =]

Encountering Adults' mind is extremely tedious ! Sad that my parents think that I am thinking too much for my future ! Haiz ! I will just continue leading myself to a better and righteous life =] That's the wat I should be =] Optimistic person =] Believe in God, He is almighty ! Praise him forgiving me life and such a wonderful mind =]

I will stop here,
Gerwin









I end off with a SMILE =]

A New Beginning

I slowly discovering what really held me back in my past 14 years and Five months... All the while, I had been lying to myself and gave up so many opportunities to nurture myself =[ I will not blame my parents or anyone ! I blame myself for all this lawless deeds... I did not have any limitations at all ! Online gaming seemed to me as my daily routine ! Whatever the games are, it's still a form of virtual image ! Those usually procrastinates all my work !

I had been lazy and refused to accept people advice ! Yes, some went deep into my thoughts but mostly were ignored or not giving two hoots about it ! Books, movies or any other form of communication, shown or told me to be optimistic ! Hahas, some of which did exist in my daily life now ! Those mental strength and inner emotional control =]

Seriously, I did find it tough at the start but as it moves along the milestones I had embark... It gradually became enlighten =] EVERYTHING requires time and effort =] Minor or major not important as long as I BELIEVE I can, it will be =] In Jesus name =] Amen !

I have my dignity and pride for myself =] I vow today will be the mark of my journey to become a successful person in life =] Brilliant is it ? When you start praising yourself more, you feel the evil intensity automatically leave your soul =]

My point of view is that no matter whatever the problems or setbacks are, I should not have let it go ! As in give up =[ Nobody can help me including God if I don't help myself ! =] Mind is a powerful tool that can either generate disastrous and devastating results or benefiting and joyous results =] My mind is within my control =]

I am going to be from nobody to a somebody =] Nothing shall stop me or refrain me from achieving that ! I certainly worth more than any of you guys think ! I will not torture myself anymore ! I will love myself to the degree that I will surpass all my love for anyone I had in my life ! Simply, no one do not care if I live or die or suffer =]

This is my first fucking ever time, typing and meaning my words or text ! I am solemnly changing... It is unbearable and painful.... I can't watch my life pass by ! In the end, I gain nothing and I will appreciate nothing, absolutely zero !

I don't give a freaking damn thing anyone going to boast about ! Go ahead and crow ! I am too obstinate to believe that I am not far away from anyone ! I can make it ! =]

My past post are just illusions and imaginations I had ! =] A new Beginning will mark all my words ! =]

I will stop going online gaming ! I will find meaningful and productive work that will cause my mind to process ! =] I will start training myself, shift my emotions constantly in specific areas =] IF I had nothing good to say, I will just shut my fucking mouth up ! =] I promised !

All this things I pray in Jesus name. Amen! Hallelujah !









I end of with a BROAD SMILE =]

What's wrong with me !?

Am I ignorant ? Am I irritating ? Do I have a sharp tongue ? Do you guys find me complicated to talk to ? Must I be good looking then you guys will accept me ? This are the mere possibilities that may cause all this ...

Yaya, I admit not good looking, so what ? Well, I discover that in this blog, there is not a single soul... In fact, I am talking to myself ? Ya ! I am insane !

I guessed God wants me to do something about it =[ Pondering about all this will not help me, instead it refrains me from getting a long with you guys ....

Okay, Enough of this rantings... I would possibly scare off readers of my blog =] I will stay positive =] I just got to get on my own feet and start searching for something meaningful.... All this little distractions are just pissing me off XD I don't want to compete anymore, I don't want to compare anymore ! I am who I am ! My limitation has been set !

I don't why people talks to me and leave me alone for the rest of the fucking life of mine.... Am I a toy to you guys !? No, I must not let anymore treat me like this ! Neither I shall criticise myself =] I think that is the best way that I can released all the condemnation inside me =]

It's bitter and painful... It is not worthwhile to think about .... I always dreaming and wishing someone ! Anyone can come to me and ask me concerning question ! Please ! Knowing that it is impossible X.X I still want =] My spirit must be strong !

Since I am this Musical ! I will make use of the powerful morality of it to enhance and nurture me ! That's what all those people are posting out there in facebook =] Believe and Believe ! I believe somebody will come to me =] In Jesus name, Amen ! =]

My post will end here,
Gerwin







I end off with a.... SMILE =]

Lost ?

I am ball in the high wheats.... Every time the wind blows, I will just follow along.... There is zero value and meaning in every where I go =[

I get a double whammy whenever I am in school and outside of school.... I don't exactly know the reason but thoughts that struck me( Negative) usually cause that ... When I don't talk, not because I am depressed !

That's the problem with me, all the while fear and condemnation takes place ! I have no self-assurance that it will be fine ! None of you guys will be able to help me, only God does... Every week, I always seeking for something that would be beneficial for me ! It's quite tough !

There is still a lot more to learn... Journey does not stop ! Just like the Sun ... It will never stop burning and shining.... All this hysterical people thinks the Sun will just eventually stops burning ! Crap lol... Day after day, meteorites struck the Sun numerous times, various shapes and sizes...

I am enthusiastic about climate changes =] It makes me wonder and think XD Realising that it is the only think that could satisfy myself, I will continue to search for relevant details XD Who knows I might be interested to take in the career as a meteorologist or scientist ! =] I will follow my heart whenever it takes me, where the wind blows, I will follow ! If no one supports me , I will stand on my feet and support myself.

This musical had impacted me...Ever since I step my foot into the rehearsal hall, numerous problems and setbacks bombarded me ! I am very grateful for those who taught me the steps =] Hahas will not neglect the help of my peers in Believe the musical =]

I think I will stop my post here...

Gerwin

I end off with a... SMILE =]

Who Am I ?

I am a little emotionally affected today... It had been lasting for at least Three Months straight I have this complex mindset of mine =[ It was extremely tough for me =[ Every time I felt like giving up =[ Seriously !! No Kidding !! God who loves me, does not wish to see me condemn, he whispered in me to read about Ministry of Death and Deepest root is Condemnation by Joseph Prince's Destined to Reign =]

It was rather true that I was under that circumstances to perform such thoughts in me =[ I had plenty to say... I wanted to avoid anyone from noticing it =[ I kept cool ! Life still seemed complicated but that's the way it is =[ It's inevitable ! I had to face it =[ This year has been my first Painstaking start =[ It was unbearable =[ The extreme condemnation inside me ! I cried day and night when I was a lone =[ Humming songs under my breath... All the while was depressed and wished I could reverse the time =[ I could not and it is impossible =[

YAYA ! You guys can keep giving comments and recommendations about being positive !! You guys only know how to say it but not doing it ! You try being under this pressure.... I bet you will not believe it and just suicide if you can !

On April 28th, a miracle finally arrived =[ Am I pleased ? Of course !! I was relieved ! I felt the devil that possessed in me, left automatically once I started realising that God was behind all this =] Praise the Lord ! Amen =]

Without knowing that God tries to remove me from the evil temptation ! I insisted on siding the devil but not God =[ Wretch person of me =[ Since Jesus came, his blood cleansed me whole and healed =] Thank God for his mercy =] I am living a better life right now =] Although examinations are around, I know God has finished the work and I am just doing his finished work =]

I love being a Believer =] IT leads to better living and lesser resentments =] That's why I am in this production ''BELIEVE'' =] Now I know what was holding me back =]

Today I am able to express myself to you is because of my personal rejoicing with God =] Hahas =]

It might seem to you that all doubts had been cleared... There is only a little bitterness in school and I seriously hate it !! A slight twist and that's the end ! Great ! Losing friends and love ones is the most heart breaking experience ! I had them once but it was put to an end =]

There's goes the saying Who Am I to judge ? I just an ordinary person who believe righteously in Jesus's Finished work on the cross and I am healed wholeness =] I have zero authority in any position ... In this production, I am generally a youngest in the entire cast and crew. We all start small =] Right believing leads to right living and living righteously ! =]

Although setbacks might seem troublesome and afflicting, knowing that giving up is the lousiest excuse, why not just bear the grudges and live like normal ? I should have ask that to myself 4 months ago...

Musical is drawing near =] I am nervous XD Hahas First biggest project, First experience, First major setbacks and First mendings of my personal problems !!

I learned the most this year ! Regardless of whatever had happened, you know most important you must not criticise yourself(myself) . Example ; not good Looking, a little fat, pudgy or whatever imperfection, Never ever fall short of yourself =]

I will close here,

Gerwin

I end off with a..... SMILE =]